---
title: "To The Guy on TikTok Wondering Where the “Real Women” Went"
source: "https://medium.com/the-virago/to-the-guy-on-tiktok-wondering-where-the-real-women-went-ceff3babda1e"
author:
  - "[[Maria Cassano]]"
published: 2024-07-11
created: 2024-10-29
description: "I’m a formerly dissociated woman from New York. It takes a lot to shock me — but I was utterly gobsmacked by a video that recently went viral on TikTok. In said video, a white, church-going dude…"
tags:
  - "clippings"
---
## You mean the women who had no other choice?

[

![Maria Cassano](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fill:88:88/1*6aLQNmKa7bToYElIiCL4aQ.jpeg)

](https://medium.com/@mariacassano?source=post_page---byline--ceff3babda1e--------------------------------)

[

![The Virago](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fill:48:48/1*Fd7Bv83o4fTYF0-Jieu2MQ.png)

](https://medium.com/the-virago?source=post_page---byline--ceff3babda1e--------------------------------)

![](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:700/1*3bryV60aaKE--KasRSPDSA.jpeg)

Photo by [Documerica](https://unsplash.com/@documerica?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/photos/a-woman-washing-dishes-in-a-kitchen-sink-oAU0c0SsO8A?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash)

I’m a [formerly dissociated woman](https://medium.com/the-virago/good-girl-syndrome-gave-me-a-dissociative-disorder-a9bd5a9f0411) from New York. It takes a lot to shock me — but I was utterly gobsmacked by a video that recently went viral on TikTok. In [said video](https://www.tiktok.com/@wbergholz/video/7388646658789100831), a white, church-going dude named William Bergholz asked, “Where are all the real women?”

If you don’t have the time, access, or gag reflex to watch the whole thing, I’ll summarize his overarching beliefs with a quote:

> “Girls just aren’t the way they used to be. They’re not how girls were in the 1800s and 1900s, where it’s like, a real woman \[…\] Her favorite thing: She loves to cook, she loves to clean, she wants to get married and have kids so much, she dreams about it.”

(Note: For the sake of clarity, I cut out 12 unnecessary uses of the word “like.” This isn’t to alter the speaker’s argument, but to prevent the reader from having an aneurysm.)

Now, part of me genuinely wants to believe that this video is satire. Maybe it’s his audition tape for [Saturday Night Live](https://medium.com/p/680d0ffcd929). At the very least, I hope he’s saying intentionally controversial things to generate views.

But the other part of me knows that this level of ignorance is still alive and well — because [I’m on the receiving end of it](https://medium.com/the-virago/when-i-wear-red-lipstick-its-not-for-men-c5d6195b86fc) all the time.

## Either way, this guy needs a history lesson.

Bergholz’s dream woman apparently hails from 19th-century America, loves cooking and cleaning, and looks a little something like this:

![](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:224/1*URISGArYfLjFxo2uYBD3Kw.jpeg)

Public domain photo from Wikipedia: [Miss Ellen Henrietta Swallow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_Swallow_Richards), photograph ca. 1864.

That’s [Ellen Henrietta Swallow Richards](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_Swallow_Richards), founder of the home economics movement. She believed that “women’s work within the home was a vital aspect of the economy.” Sounds like a perfect fit for Bergholz!

But wait — even Ellen Swallow Richards, who was born in 1842, was an industrial engineer and an environmental chemist, not to mention the first woman admitted to the [Massachusetts Institute of Technology](https://www.blackhistory.mit.edu/archive/ellen-swallow-richards-and-female-students-1888#:~:text=Ellen%20H.,until%20her%20death%20in%201911.). She was also a feminist who argued for women’s education and [participation in science](https://urresearch.rochester.edu/institutionalPublicationPublicView.action?institutionalItemId=32575).

Richards used science and innovation to make cooking, cleaning, and homemaking as easy and efficient for women as possible. Y’know, because we *had no other choice.*

See, back in the 1800s, women couldn’t vote. We also couldn’t [own land without a husband](https://www.annenbergclassroom.org/resource/womens-rights/#:~:text=1900Women%20Gain%20Property%20Rights,property%20in%20their%20own%20name.). When we were transferred from father to groom like a living, breathing commodity, one paid the other in [land, money, or chickens](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowry).

As virtual property, we were forced to make ourselves as useful to men as possible — by bearing children, cooking meals, and serving as live-in maids.

## Historically, the women who refused these expectations didn’t fare well.

Remember? Remember the Witch Trials, where the accused were primarily women who spoke up, [pissed off the wrong men](https://guides.bpl.org/salemwitchtrials/accusersandaccused), or merely lived alone?

Remember Joan of Arc, who led French troops to victory before getting burned at the stake for [heresy, sorcery, and cross-dressing](https://www.history.com/news/joan-arc-burned-stake)?

Remember the Suffragettes, who faced [imprisonment and public ridicule](https://www.islington.gov.uk/~/media/sharepoint-lists/public-records/leisureandculture/information/factsheets/20192020/20190624hollowayprisonandthesuffragettes.pdf) because they wanted the right to vote?

Those women were all real women — so let me rephrase your question so it’s a little more accurate:

## “Where are all the desperate, suppressed women who are willing to sacrifice their happiness, aspirations, and dignity in order to benefit me?”

It kind of sounds like you want a mommy you can legally sleep with — but for argument’s sake, let’s entertain the question: Can you still find a woman who will cook your dinner, clean your home, and coddle you solely because you are a white man?

Sure. Her name is [Pearl Davis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_Pearl_Davis), and you’re in luck; she’s single.

As for the rest of us, here are a few statistics for you to chew on:

- Women now [outnumber men in the US workforce](https://www.wsj.com/articles/women-overtake-men-as-majority-of-u-s-workforce-11578670615), but we’re *still* doing the [vast majority of housework, cooking, and childcare](https://www.kff.org/womens-health-policy/issue-brief/data-note-balancing-on-shaky-ground-women-work-and-family-health/). (Spoiler: We’re pissed about it.)
- Very few women actually [enjoy cleaning](https://www.tiktok.com/@zofemme__/video/7218362680468344066?_r=1&_t=8ckqEZN6rOd); we’re just held to a higher standard and [more likely to be shamed for a dirty space](https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2019/dirtiness-perceived-cleanliness-sustained-women-study-reveals/).
- Even if women *wanted* to quit their jobs and take care of their homes and kids, most couldn’t afford to. House prices have [risen 118% since 1965](https://www.cnbc.com/2021/11/10/home-prices-are-now-rising-much-faster-than-incomes-studies-show.html), and that’s accounting for inflation. The single-income household is dead.
- 37% of women would [rather masturbate than have sex](https://www.theodysseyonline.com/women-prefer-masturbation) — probably because only [25% of women orgasm during sex](https://www.statista.com/statistics/1366812/us-orgasm-gender-gap/#:~:text=Orgasm%20gender%20gap%20in%20the%20United%20States%202022&text=In%202022%2C%2095%20percent%20of,to%2025%20percent%20of%20men.) (compared to 95% of men).
- Men are [more likely than women to want kids](https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/women-children-study-1.7119845) because they underestimate the amount of work it’ll be and [parenthood requires less responsibility](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/modern-parenthood-roles-of-moms-and-dads-converge-as-they-balance-work-and-family/) from them.
- More women than ever before are [choosing to remain child-free](https://www.cnn.com/us/childfree-by-choice-women-birth-rate-decline-cec/index.html#:~:text=Demographers%20point%20to%20a%20number,choice%20to%20remain%20child%2Dfree.) because it’s finally socially acceptable to focus on their own well-being — but they’re [still judged for it](https://quod.lib.umich.edu/m/mfr/4919087.0018.102/--it-s-the-choices-you-make-that-get-you-there-decision-making?rgn=main%3Bview%3Dfulltext).
- Ample women are [choosing to remain single](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-share-of-u-s-adults-are-living-without-a-spouse-or-partner/) because many male partners [create more frustrations than they alleviate](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html).

## So where are all the real women?

==Exercising their rights, having standards, using vibrators, being financially independent, and waiting for real partners — the ones who actually== ==[contribute something to our lives](https://medium.com/p/0b278cf4d7f7)== ==in return.==