---
title: "Christians Regularly Gaslight People"
source: "https://medium.com/deconstructing-christianity/christians-regularly-gaslight-people-43086c0bab47"
author:
  - "[[Lilith Helstrom]]"
published: 2024-06-06
created: 2024-10-29
description: "A few years ago, before I was writing articles on Medium, I was writing romance novels full time. I liked to combine my appreciation for romance with my love of other genres like scifi and fantasy…"
tags:
  - "clippings"
---
## I’m sick of the mind games

[

![Lilith Helstrom](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fill:88:88/1*YyY95-dMd1BZpr-a-_ltYQ@2x.jpeg)

](https://medium.com/@lilith.helstrom?source=post_page---byline--43086c0bab47--------------------------------)

[

![Deconstructing Christianity](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fill:48:48/1*nmmzmEdbaDIYg9hcrY_b2w.png)

](https://medium.com/deconstructing-christianity?source=post_page---byline--43086c0bab47--------------------------------)

![](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:700/1*wyTDs2jhUFfcoe1Ej_u1PA@2x.jpeg)

Photo by Gyorgy Szemok on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral)

A few years ago, before I was writing articles on Medium, I was writing romance novels full time. I liked to combine my appreciation for romance with my love of other genres like scifi and fantasy.

The Christians I knew acted really weird about it. My books had violence, sex, and magic in them. While all those things are allowed in the Bible, they’re suddenly bad when I write about them.

One of my cousins, on my Dad’s side of the family, is a youth pastor. He used to be in a band full time, but decided to take his guitar and live for Jesus instead.

His wife, him, and I saw each other at a funeral for his mother’s late husband. We got to talking and everyone knows I’m a writer, so he asked if I wrote anything interesting lately.

I told him, “I just released a scifi romance novel. It’s set in a zombie apocalypse.”

“That’s cool,” he said. “And just so you know, I’m not judging you or anything.”

I hadn’t thought he was judging me until he said that and never implied that I was assuming any such thing.

“Okay, that’s good,” I said, but now I felt awkward.

Why had he brought up judgment? I thought we were just having a conversation about my career. He was definitely judging me.

My Dad acts similarly. He knows I’m bisexual. I came out to him a few years ago and I bring it up occasionally, but not too often. I feel nervous to do so because he’s homophobic.

But I’m not allowed to say I’m nervous about that because he will deny he’s homophobic if I ever bring it up.

“How could I be homophobic if I had a gay secretary for years?” He says to me, although I don’t know what his ex-secretary has to do with anything. “I was nice to my secretary. I gave him presents and even met his husband. How could I do that if I were homophobic?”

“Okay,” I say. “But do you think same sex marriage should be legal?”

“I never said I believed in that,” he says.

“Okay,” I say. “Then you weren’t very nice to your secretary because you didn’t believe he should be allowed to get married.”

“That’s different,” he’d say.

Multiple times a week, I’ll write articles and many of them will include mean things I’ve heard Christians say, like this one. Some were Christians that went to church with me. Some are ones I saw on TV, heard in the news, or saw on Tiktok. Christians get furious with me.

“No Christians do that,” they’ll say. “I’ve never met a Christian who judges people like that before.”

They act like it’s only five Christians who’ve ever said, “Love the sinner and hate the sin” and that somehow I’ve met all five of them. Apparently these five Christians really get around because somehow all people with religious trauma must have met those five because they’re all that exist.

“Most Christians aren’t judgmental like that,” they say. “And the ones who are, aren’t actually Christians.”

“Okay,” I always say. “But are you going to confront those people? Because if that’s true, then they’re making your religion look bad.”

And most of them let me know that \*I’m\* the problem because \*I’m\* the one full of hate.

And it makes me think that all the Christians who say those things are gaslighters who are like my father. Don’t ever accuse them of being homophobic, but they’re also against same sex marriage. ==They don’t want to be labeled as hateful, they just want to act hateful.==

They love everyone and they show this love by ripping apart everything about other people. And don’t I dare confront their criticisms because that’s too critical of me.

They’ve never met a Christian that’s hateful and that’s why they hate when I confront judgmental Christians. Because they don’t exist and I’m making it up.

And even though I have PTSD from it, it’s all imaginary and doesn’t exist.

The evidence that these Christians exist are the plethora of victims that I meet everywhere I turn.

But these Christian gaslighters are about keeping the religion mean, but forcing everyone to say it’s nice.