move Clippings from thpeetz-notes vault
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title: "To The Guy on TikTok Wondering Where the “Real Women” Went"
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source: "https://medium.com/the-virago/to-the-guy-on-tiktok-wondering-where-the-real-women-went-ceff3babda1e"
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author:
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- "[[Maria Cassano]]"
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published: 2024-07-11
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created: 2024-10-29
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description: "I’m a formerly dissociated woman from New York. It takes a lot to shock me — but I was utterly gobsmacked by a video that recently went viral on TikTok. In said video, a white, church-going dude…"
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tags:
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- "clippings"
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---
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## You mean the women who had no other choice?
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[
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](https://medium.com/@mariacassano?source=post_page---byline--ceff3babda1e--------------------------------)
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[
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](https://medium.com/the-virago?source=post_page---byline--ceff3babda1e--------------------------------)
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Photo by [Documerica](https://unsplash.com/@documerica?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/photos/a-woman-washing-dishes-in-a-kitchen-sink-oAU0c0SsO8A?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash)
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I’m a [formerly dissociated woman](https://medium.com/the-virago/good-girl-syndrome-gave-me-a-dissociative-disorder-a9bd5a9f0411) from New York. It takes a lot to shock me — but I was utterly gobsmacked by a video that recently went viral on TikTok. In [said video](https://www.tiktok.com/@wbergholz/video/7388646658789100831), a white, church-going dude named William Bergholz asked, “Where are all the real women?”
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If you don’t have the time, access, or gag reflex to watch the whole thing, I’ll summarize his overarching beliefs with a quote:
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> “Girls just aren’t the way they used to be. They’re not how girls were in the 1800s and 1900s, where it’s like, a real woman \[…\] Her favorite thing: She loves to cook, she loves to clean, she wants to get married and have kids so much, she dreams about it.”
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(Note: For the sake of clarity, I cut out 12 unnecessary uses of the word “like.” This isn’t to alter the speaker’s argument, but to prevent the reader from having an aneurysm.)
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Now, part of me genuinely wants to believe that this video is satire. Maybe it’s his audition tape for [Saturday Night Live](https://medium.com/p/680d0ffcd929). At the very least, I hope he’s saying intentionally controversial things to generate views.
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But the other part of me knows that this level of ignorance is still alive and well — because [I’m on the receiving end of it](https://medium.com/the-virago/when-i-wear-red-lipstick-its-not-for-men-c5d6195b86fc) all the time.
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## Either way, this guy needs a history lesson.
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Bergholz’s dream woman apparently hails from 19th-century America, loves cooking and cleaning, and looks a little something like this:
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Public domain photo from Wikipedia: [Miss Ellen Henrietta Swallow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_Swallow_Richards), photograph ca. 1864.
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That’s [Ellen Henrietta Swallow Richards](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_Swallow_Richards), founder of the home economics movement. She believed that “women’s work within the home was a vital aspect of the economy.” Sounds like a perfect fit for Bergholz!
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But wait — even Ellen Swallow Richards, who was born in 1842, was an industrial engineer and an environmental chemist, not to mention the first woman admitted to the [Massachusetts Institute of Technology](https://www.blackhistory.mit.edu/archive/ellen-swallow-richards-and-female-students-1888#:~:text=Ellen%20H.,until%20her%20death%20in%201911.). She was also a feminist who argued for women’s education and [participation in science](https://urresearch.rochester.edu/institutionalPublicationPublicView.action?institutionalItemId=32575).
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Richards used science and innovation to make cooking, cleaning, and homemaking as easy and efficient for women as possible. Y’know, because we *had no other choice.*
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See, back in the 1800s, women couldn’t vote. We also couldn’t [own land without a husband](https://www.annenbergclassroom.org/resource/womens-rights/#:~:text=1900Women%20Gain%20Property%20Rights,property%20in%20their%20own%20name.). When we were transferred from father to groom like a living, breathing commodity, one paid the other in [land, money, or chickens](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowry).
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As virtual property, we were forced to make ourselves as useful to men as possible — by bearing children, cooking meals, and serving as live-in maids.
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## Historically, the women who refused these expectations didn’t fare well.
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Remember? Remember the Witch Trials, where the accused were primarily women who spoke up, [pissed off the wrong men](https://guides.bpl.org/salemwitchtrials/accusersandaccused), or merely lived alone?
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Remember Joan of Arc, who led French troops to victory before getting burned at the stake for [heresy, sorcery, and cross-dressing](https://www.history.com/news/joan-arc-burned-stake)?
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Remember the Suffragettes, who faced [imprisonment and public ridicule](https://www.islington.gov.uk/~/media/sharepoint-lists/public-records/leisureandculture/information/factsheets/20192020/20190624hollowayprisonandthesuffragettes.pdf) because they wanted the right to vote?
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Those women were all real women — so let me rephrase your question so it’s a little more accurate:
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## “Where are all the desperate, suppressed women who are willing to sacrifice their happiness, aspirations, and dignity in order to benefit me?”
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It kind of sounds like you want a mommy you can legally sleep with — but for argument’s sake, let’s entertain the question: Can you still find a woman who will cook your dinner, clean your home, and coddle you solely because you are a white man?
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Sure. Her name is [Pearl Davis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_Pearl_Davis), and you’re in luck; she’s single.
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As for the rest of us, here are a few statistics for you to chew on:
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- Women now [outnumber men in the US workforce](https://www.wsj.com/articles/women-overtake-men-as-majority-of-u-s-workforce-11578670615), but we’re *still* doing the [vast majority of housework, cooking, and childcare](https://www.kff.org/womens-health-policy/issue-brief/data-note-balancing-on-shaky-ground-women-work-and-family-health/). (Spoiler: We’re pissed about it.)
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- Very few women actually [enjoy cleaning](https://www.tiktok.com/@zofemme__/video/7218362680468344066?_r=1&_t=8ckqEZN6rOd); we’re just held to a higher standard and [more likely to be shamed for a dirty space](https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2019/dirtiness-perceived-cleanliness-sustained-women-study-reveals/).
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- Even if women *wanted* to quit their jobs and take care of their homes and kids, most couldn’t afford to. House prices have [risen 118% since 1965](https://www.cnbc.com/2021/11/10/home-prices-are-now-rising-much-faster-than-incomes-studies-show.html), and that’s accounting for inflation. The single-income household is dead.
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- 37% of women would [rather masturbate than have sex](https://www.theodysseyonline.com/women-prefer-masturbation) — probably because only [25% of women orgasm during sex](https://www.statista.com/statistics/1366812/us-orgasm-gender-gap/#:~:text=Orgasm%20gender%20gap%20in%20the%20United%20States%202022&text=In%202022%2C%2095%20percent%20of,to%2025%20percent%20of%20men.) (compared to 95% of men).
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- Men are [more likely than women to want kids](https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/women-children-study-1.7119845) because they underestimate the amount of work it’ll be and [parenthood requires less responsibility](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/modern-parenthood-roles-of-moms-and-dads-converge-as-they-balance-work-and-family/) from them.
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- More women than ever before are [choosing to remain child-free](https://www.cnn.com/us/childfree-by-choice-women-birth-rate-decline-cec/index.html#:~:text=Demographers%20point%20to%20a%20number,choice%20to%20remain%20child%2Dfree.) because it’s finally socially acceptable to focus on their own well-being — but they’re [still judged for it](https://quod.lib.umich.edu/m/mfr/4919087.0018.102/--it-s-the-choices-you-make-that-get-you-there-decision-making?rgn=main%3Bview%3Dfulltext).
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- Ample women are [choosing to remain single](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-share-of-u-s-adults-are-living-without-a-spouse-or-partner/) because many male partners [create more frustrations than they alleviate](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html).
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## So where are all the real women?
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==Exercising their rights, having standards, using vibrators, being financially independent, and waiting for real partners — the ones who actually== ==[contribute something to our lives](https://medium.com/p/0b278cf4d7f7)== ==in return.==
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