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title, source, author, published, created, description, tags
| title | source | author | published | created | description | tags | ||
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| 17 Hilarious Engineer Jokes for All You Nerds Out There | https://medium.com/the-knowledge-of-laughter/16-hilarious-engineer-jokes-for-all-you-nerds-out-there-7acad7786c79 |
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2024-10-17 | 2024-10-29 | A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are on a road trip, when the car won’t start. The software engineer says, “Before we do anything else, let’s all just get out of… |
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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are on a road trip, when the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says, “Let me check the starter.”
The electrical engineer says, “Let me make sure the battery is connected.”
==The software engineer says, “Before we do anything else, let’s all just get out of the car and then get back in.”==
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all of her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight, saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes turns trying to bag it. The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the bullet’s trajectory, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum.
The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer’s pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes, he’s ready, aims, and fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician leaps in the air, shouting, “We got it!”
Three engineering students were gathered together, discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?”
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise!
It was an Apple.
But with extremely limited memory…
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.
Two antennas got married — the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What’s the difference between an introverted and an extroverted engineer?
An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when talking to you, and an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when talking to you.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How do you know that an engineer is having a mid-life crisis?
He swaps his pocket protector for a smartphone holster.
How do software engineers change a broken light bulb?
They don’t change broken light bulbs at all. That is a hardware issue.
An engineer that works on robots every day is never lonely. Why?
Because they are constantly making new friends.
What do engineers use as birth control?
Their personalities.
If you’re an optimist, the glass is half full.
If you’re a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
If you’re an engineer, the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
A wife asks her husband, an engineer, “Darling, can you please go to the shop and buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!”
Off he goes. Half an hour later, the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, “Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?”
“Well… they had eggs,” he replied.
Definition of an engineer: somebody who makes precise guesswork based on unreliable data provided by people with questionable knowledge. Never wrong. Likes tables.
A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot-air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down, “A little help here?”
The man on the ground looks up and shouts, “You are in a hot-air balloon with no fuel. You’re about 20 feet off the ground, travelling north at roughly walking pace.”
The guy in the balloon shouts, “Are you an engineer?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Well, everything you told me is factually accurate, but it doesn’t do me any good.”
The engineer on the ground considers this and then shouts back, “Are you in management?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“You were in this predicament before I got here. I haven’t done anything, and now it’s my fault.”
Boudreaux goes to a new chemical plant looking for a job.
Unfortunately, the only job open is a for chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man.
They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly.
In a half hour, Boudreaux and the other man are asked in to see the supervisor. The supervisor says, “These test results were fantastic. Some of the best answers I’ve seen. Both of you got the exact same question wrong, though. So, with that, I am going to offer the position to Bob there. Sorry, Mr. Boudreaux.”
Boudreaux says, “How come you give him da’ job if we both got the same one wrong?”
The supervisor says, “Well, because for question 12, his answer was, ‘I don’t know.’ Yours was, ‘me neither.’”
Chuck Haacker — Medium contributed this gem.
Three men are condemned to die on the Guillotine. One of them is an engineer. The first condemned is placed on the board, run under the blade, and… nothing. The blade refuses to fall! The man is released since the machine of death did not work.
They try again with the second man, but again, no matter what they did, they could not get the blade to release, forcing them to let the second man go free.
The engineer came last, but he made an unusual request: to be executed face up. His request was granted. Looking up at the blade, the engineer said, “Wait, I think I see the problem.”
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?
The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.
His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: “Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”
Most of his students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s law which, as we know you know, describes the inversely proportional relationship between the absolute pressure and volume of a gas, if the temperature is kept constant within a closed system, or some variant thereof.
One student, however, wrote the following: “First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it??
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, ‘Oh my God!’.”
The author, it is claimed, got an A+ for the answer.
Glenn M Stewart
Pugilist, polemicist, Oxford Arabist, financial mastermind, international man of mystery, film producer, playwright, part-time-poet, full-time provocateur…